Is NOT my own. It is a hair piece.
My real hair is quite short. Here I am styled in a faux hawk while dying my "shorties" as I call them:
So, how does one get to this point? It only took about two years for every hair on my head to be pulled out. This sounds crazy to some people, but trichsters have a strange thought process and relationship with our hair. Kind of an emotional immunity, or else the depression over what we have "done to ourselves" would take over, which it oftentimes does.
Let me start with a sort of time line of how things started for me. Some background.
I can remember being very little and focusing on picking and pulling. As a toddler I would pick the paint bubbles off of the wall. I was always a scab picker and can remember picking at my moles as a young child. This is related to Skin Picking Disorder (SPD), which goes hand in hand with trich with a lot of people.
My first memory of pulling is when I was about 10 or 11 years old. I remember pulling my eyelashes. This is a typical age onset for the behaviors. They typically show up (in girls) around the age of menarche (first menstrual cycle) or a couple years prior. I have memories of laying in bed at night and pulling a little and holding the lashes I would get up to the light shining in from the hallway. It was never noticable and I never pulled to the point of having bald patches on my lids.
Next very specific memory I have is sitting in my room at about the age of 14 and pulling at the little hairs on my hands and fingers. I also remember sitting in class one day in high school and brushing at my arm and noticing one hair sticking up. So I pulled at it. I didn't have to really pull it out; it seemed like it was loose or "ready to be pulled". This started the arm hair pulling that would continue through high school and college and beyond. I would continue to pull at my eyebrows and eyelashes. I remember a day sitting in the basement and pulling at my lashes and getting, like, 5 or more in one go. I freaked out a bit and rushed to the bathroom to see the damage and there was a little bald patch in my lashes. I would cover it up with makeup and I doubt anyone noticed.
I do have memories of pulling at my scalp hair, too, but it was never anything damaging. If a hair was out of place I would pull it. If a hair was particularly thick or dark (I was blonde then) I would pull it. No big deal.
There were times in college and after that I would pull major chunks of my eyelashes out, but would always cover up the damage with mascara and eyeliner as best I could.
The first time I pulled out all of my lashes was 2009. I just kept pulling and pulling. As I would pull at them, my eyes would start to sting and itch a little, which made me want to pull more. It also seems that the more I pull the easier it is for them to come out. Then one side would be thinned out more than the other, so I would go after the next side. The result was a few little lashes left behind. So I took the tweezers to them because I thought the stragglers made me look ridiculous. I was pretty freaked out. Top and bottom lashes were gone. They grew back in time and as they did I just wore eyeliner everyday. I have pulled out all of the top lashes (or at least most) a few times since then. I know I had been pulling from my scalp more because I remember my cowlick hairs being short and sticking out of my hair at this time. My first memory of noticing that was 2008 when I lived in Ohio.
Here is a photo where I have little to no lashes:
I also have memories of pulling out hairs on my shoulders in middle school, and also belly/hip hair after I had my daughter.
I had a major episode of skin picking when I broke out is some really awful, mystery rash. This rash was in addition to an onslaught of other mystery medical issues (still not resolved) which had my doctor thinking I may have had Lupus.
I had also recently started taking medication for my ADHD, which could have been a contributing factor, except I went off of the medication in the off chance it was some freaky allergic reaction. My arms were COVERED. It itched intensely. I couldn't leave it alone. Speaking of alone, I had a lot of alone time at work and definitely picked too much there, as well.
So, what about the big issue? THE HAIR! On my head, that is.
I used to have A LOT, and would constantly get complimented on it. Long, thick, awesome hair.
(Before I learned about white balance.)
Ok. So here is when it all started going downhill
November/December 2011. I had started noticing more of these really dark, really squiggly hairs and had started pulling them out. Things got really crazy and I think there were several factors:
1.) I was experiencing a major depressive episode partially due to a recent break-up, which was being exacerbated by my seasonal affective disorder (SAD), along with my other run-of-the-mill depression and anxiety.
2.) I had started taking medication regularly for ADHD, which can induce and/or worsen tic like disorders (like trich!!) But, it also helped me focus on other things besides pulling. There will be another post about this complicated issue sometime.
I had been pulling and had some short guys sticking up here and there, but nothing major.
Then I got highlights.
This turned out to be a bad idea, though I didn't realize it at the time. This caused more of my hair to be "different" and I ended up pulling out the blonde highlights almost entirely, in addition to those thick, black weird ones.
At some point this would deteriorate and I would spend HOURS in front of the mirror (usually at bedtime) searching for and pulling out the hair. I would look down and there would be lovely little piles on the floor.
I started noticing the feeling of stubble in the spring of 2012 when I dyed it red at the salon and the stylist commented on all of the "breakage" I had.
Looking a little thinned out here
I'm not sure if I was fortunate enough to start out with lots of hair and thick hair, or if it was bad because I "got away with" pulling for almost a year before it became super noticeable.
My ponytails were getting smaller and smaller and thinner, so one night I freaked out and cut it all off, hoping that if it was short, I wouldn't "see" the weird hairs and would just leave it alone.
It worked, but like everything else, only for an all too short amount of time. I couldn't put it into a ponytail anymore and started going after the top/crown more.
Here is a photo where you can kind of see bald patches forming and shorter/thinner hair on the top
At some pivotal point, it got so bad that a half pony or anything would no longer cover it up, and so I bought a hat and would wear it often
And then the bandannas. Which helped me leave it alone for a short bit, but then may have also, at the same time, made the pulling worse, since I could cover it up easily.
It got so bad so fast. It was a total snowball effect.
Fortunately, I found a stylist who could help. I had pulled almost every single hair off of my head and had to do something. So, I got a hair piece put on by the lovely Cassandra Gould at Love and Hair Peace!!!
These "Before" pictures are still extremely difficult to look at, but worth sharing.
After:
So. The hair piece is glued on and not only looks incredibly real, it creates a physical barrier so that you cannot pull the hair that is covered up. Unfortunately, over the next couple of months I ended up pulling all of the hair that was long and in the back and not covered up by the piece. The hair pieces typically stay on for 6-8 weeks.
If I had left my hair alone since then, I would have a full head of hair by now, and that is difficult to come to terms with. It is growing, just much slower than it would be if I could leave it alone. Sometimes I resent the piece, but am very glad to have it.
So, here I am, and that is most of the story. I have even been brave and gone out in public with my short hair a few times.
